Playdates

Without a doubt, one of the best parts of being a stay-at-home-mom is the playdates that we go on. I am fortunate enough to have had a playgroup sort of fall together between a few of the girls that I used to work with. We started "regularly" getting together about a year ago. In the early days, playdates are definitely more for the moms - there isn't a whole lot of "playing" going on. Its a chance to sit and talk, ogle over each other's babies, swap advice and stories, and just get out of the house and away from the daily routine.

As our kids get older, the playdates are crossing over into new territory - chaotic and FUN. Right now, there are 5 kids between the ages of 4 years and 17 months. It is so much fun to see them all playing together, interacting, speaking in foreign tongues, and generally growing up together. As mentioned, there are 4 other kids in the group (and G3 is the only boy!!) and its interesting to watch and observe the different personality types emerge and grow. We have kids that are sensitive, those that are rough-and-tumble, wild-child types, snuggly-sweetheart types, comics. Four out of the five kids are generally nice, well-behaved, and kind.

And then we have one little girl who is in her own category. She is so different from the others that its hard to discern if she's just really, really high-maintenance, or if the other kids are just all super well-behaved, or what. She is 2 years old, the 2nd oldest of the kiddos, and she's quite the little smarty-pants...she can hold a conversation with an adult, and has spoken well for a long time, and has known all of her animal sounds since about the age of 1 year (something G3 has not mastered yet.)

The issue with this kid is her behavior. It is horrible. She hits. She pushes. She pinches - twice to the point of seriously hurting two other little girls. She is extremely hyper and her presence can turn a nice, quiet playdate into cacaphonic madness. When she doesn't get her way she throws tantrums...not just a little fit, but a full out screaming, yelling, crying, pinching tantrum. She is extremely persistant. She is selfish - all of her toys are "mine mine mine", even at someone else's house. An example would be yesterday's playdate - this little girl running from toy to toy yelling at each kid to "get off" and "mine!"...endlessly. In the above picture, she isn't sitting at the table with the others because she was trying to take their food and forks from all of them.

I know a lot of this sounds like typical Terrible Two's behavior, but I'm not sure. Again, of the 5 kids, she is the only one who is like this. They all have their moments - there are scuffles, fights over covetted toys, tantrums. But for the most part they listen well, respond to all of the adults, and enjoy each other's company.

It's been at a point for awhile where the question is whether or not its worth it to continue our playdates with this little girl. It's hard to say something to the Mom - I'm not sure I would have the patience or sanity to deal with a child like that, and maybe it is inherently easier to give in to her persistant and demanding behavior than to fight with her all day? I really don't know, but I do know that parenting is hard even in the best of circumstances with the most congenial child.

On the flip side, as one of the other mom's said, it's not fair to the other kids. There is a great dynamic between the other 4 (two of whom are sisters) and a playdate without the 5th girl is totally different. Yes it's loud, and yes there is misbehavior, but there is also a lot of joy and happiness in these four kids as the revel in doing what kids should do...play. Yes, I know children need to learn about dealing with difficult people...after all, they will be doing it for the rest of their lives! But at 18 months I guess I'm not sure my son should have to deal with having every toy he tries to play with ripped out of his hands, with being kicked for no reason, or pushed off a bike because this little girl doesn't like him on there.

I suppose this will play out until either one of us moms gets pissed enough to directly say something, or someone gets hurt. Subtle hints and discussions about discipline seem to float in the air around this mom. While she seems embarrassed about her daughter's behavior, the level of her discipline doesn't really match the severity of her daughter's actions. I can't say how I would act in her shoes, but if G3 hits another kid there is going to be a serious consequence. I want him to know in no uncertain terms that hitting your friends is NOT OKAY! Especially unprovoked hitting. I feel it should warrant more reaction than a verbal admonishment. I feel sad for this little girl too, because I've noticed as the kids get older she's a bit more ostracized. The others gravitate away from her because, well, she's mean! I don't know where to draw the line in being a supportive friend to the mom, and sticking up for my son by not putting him in a situation where he has to fend off a bully.

I am mostly blogging about this because it mystifies me. It makes me wonder about nature vs. nurture...are kids hard-wired to be difficult or easy, or do parenting methods play the main role in shaping their behavior? I will say that I leave most of these playdates with feelings of happiness and pride towards my son. Happieness that he had such a good time, that he's social and likes other kids, that he's cute and funny and endearing, and that there are three other moms who get to see this once a week and are just as enamoured by him as I am with their little girls. And pride because he IS a nice kid: he shares, he helps pick up, and he is kind and loving towards them. The little hugs and kisses at the end of the playdate are priceless.

I'll leave you with 1 last picture, this was one of our first playdates, last April or May. 2 of the kids weren't even walking, and 3 of them hadn't yet hit their 1st birthday. Seeing them outside, in green grass and coatless reminds me that summer is around the corner (ok, maybe around the corner and two towns over.) The warm weather lends itself to so many more opportunities...park dates, Knobel's, outdoor play, swimming, and of course, the beach at Penn Lake (thanks, Salena, for choosing to live in a community with a beach and a lake:) And I genuinely hope that things will somehow work themselves out, and maybe this little girl will seamlessly move past this stage. Because I would hate to see her mom lose the outlet that our playgroup is. Socialization (between adults and between kids) is one of the most important parts of parenting toddlers.