Thirty Something

As some of you may (or may not) know, I will be turning THIRTY years old this week. That's right. The big 3-0. Surprisingly, its not bringing on the panic and desperation and waning for a simpler time that I imagined. And its not bringing on the type of angst and heartache of my little boy turning one. Nope, even my 25th birthday seemed to have more of an impact on me, after all, being "a quarter of a century old" carries a lot more weight than being "3 decades old." I thought, however, that it might help me grasp the concept of being 30 if I took a little trip down memory lane. Where was Lindsay 4 years ago, 6 years ago, *gulp* 10 years ago? I'm not going back to childhood, obviously I have no memories of the first few years, and much of the kid-years all run together...I wouldn't necessarily be able to tell you how old I was when I got my first bike or won my first ribbon in a horse show. And, I think its pretty safe to say no one wants or needs to relive my teen years.

And so I have it narrowed down to the last decade...as my most alcohol-fueled decade to date (and possibly ever, but don't hold me to that) there are a lot of hazy memories. I actually sat down and wrote out the calander year, my age, and then jotted a few key events. Its interesting to see how far I have come in 10 years...and yet some things never change. I can say for certain that 10 years ago I would not have been able to picture myself today--sitting outside my house, typing on a laptop while my 1-year old son splashes happily in his pool and my senior-age dog lays baking in the sun. So here goes.

The 20th Year (98-99)

My 20th year started and ended in Bloomsburg. It was a rough year for me. No boyfriend--and the curse of frequent one-night stands leaning heavy on me. Most of my friends were gone all summer long. I believe my parents were wrapped up in my sister's life at the time. I lived in 3 separate apartments in the year with a total of 5 separate roommates. Most notably Sarah, my friend who I have never, ever had a fight with, Heather, also known as Crazy Heather, and Jeanette, my oldest friend and possibly the worst match in the world for a roommate for me. At one point we lived alone in an apartment that was probably about 100 square feet. We purposely did things to annoy one another and had our share of fights, but it was nothing a bottle of Jack Daniels on a Tuesday afternoon couldn't cure. I was skinny. I listened to a lot of Phish and Neil Young and I think Led Zeplin. I was unhappy. The song that always makes me think of this time is "Stairway to Heaven". Not because it classified my life, but because I listened to it on repeat over and over and over. Probably another reason Jeanette wanted to kill me.

The 21st Year (99-00)

The 21st year started out in Ocean City MD, where I lived with a friend I affectionately referred to as "Spacey Traci". I worked a lot, lived in a crackhouse (literally--but since I certainly wasn't a crackhead, this was a bit uncomfortable), and got fired from my job for giving merchandise to a boy I'd kissed at the Plim Plaza the night before. Good times. My 21st birthday was nothing too exciting since Traci (prettymuch my only friend) was only 19, so I celebrated by buying a bottle of Boone's, having some shots with dinner, and passing out before 11pm. I moved to Shippensburg that year with my cousin Erin--a decision that was both cathartic and frustrating. Still no boyfriend, and no prospects. I did make two very close friendships--Crystal and Kelly, and together with Erin we were dubbed The Drama Team. Way too many memories of that to record here. I did, in early 2000, meet the man who would become my husband and father of my child (ok that sounds kind of weird to say, especially if you knew Gabe back then.) And given the circumstances of our first meeting. Me, at my ex-boyfriend's house for unknown reasons, and Gabe arriving drunk from the bar, carrying two plastic cups of beer. I remember I had braids in my hair (like cornrows...why?? Why??) and my dog at the time, Baylor, was with me. I remember what sweater I was wearing, and what sweater Gabe was wearing (mainly because we still have both of them.) Song that reminds me of this time? "Satisfy You" by R. Kelly.

The 22nd Year (00-01)

This was a time fraught with uncertainty and frustration with myself and my relationships with people around me. I had issues with my roommates...I guess I wasn't a very nice person to them, and it culminated with Crystal (7 mo preggo) chasing me around our house (known as "43, the place to be") and demanding that I listen to her. I did, and I'm still thankful . Gabe and I graduated college and moved to Pottstown, PA for no other reason than Gabe got a job there (well, I suppose that's a good reason.) We started hanging out with Bob and Meg a lot (they quickly became and still remain "our best friends".) I, afraid and uncertain of the big bad job world and my college education, applied for and got a job at French Creek Veterinary Hospital. A place that would become a HUGE part of my life for the next 4 years. I still remember very early on in my employment, maybe a month or so, ending out the day with the late spring sun streaming through the lab/pharmacy window as I shut down the microscope, and feeling for the first time in a long time...something. Happy, content, I'm not sure what...but it was positive. Song for this time? Mmmm, I got nothing. I think Gabe controlled the music. But I controlled the animal front, which is why we welcomed our (my) first baby into our lives, Mickey the crazy chocolate lab.

The 23rd Year (01-02)

Another hard year. Another wonderful year. Gabe and I broke up for a time and he moved to Hazleton, which would later become our home, much to my displeasure. I embarked on a journey of being by myself--sort of. My new friend Jen invited me to move in with her, and the 7 months that I lived at her house were truely a time of fun and respite. Gabe and I worked our way back to one another, but in the meantime I made a ton of new girlfriends, thanks to Jen, and spent many a night sitting out at her picnic table, or Beckey's, or hanging out at Ludwig's Inn, or St Peter's, or the Tiki Bar, a LOT of wine...and I do mean a lot. It was not uncommon to get completely trashed on a Tuesday evening staying up late and talking all night long. It was one of the most fun times in my life. I was also heavily into my job, becoming more and more proficient at being an animal technician each day, and continuing to form deep relationships with my co-workers. If there was a song for this time it can only be "Sweet Baby James", mainly because I remember Beckey and I listening to that a lot, often on repeat.

The 24th Year (02-03)

This was a growing year for me. Learning more in my job, both academically and life-wise. I moved out of Jen's house and into my own apartment, the first time I'd ever lived alone (save for about 1 month in Bloomsburg...when all my roommates left for the summer and I was the dummy who went to summer school for "something to do".) I had a small apartment in Spring City, and it was all mine. Gabe had a house in Hazleton, and we spent every weekend together. I spent a lot of time with my girlfriends still, and Gabe and I spent a lot of time in Manayunk with Bob and Megan. Things in my life were good, but uncertain. I was starting to realize that if Gabe and I were going to be together forever, I'd need to move to Hazleton (horror of horrors!) I was also starting to realize that I LOVED where I lived, having so many friends, and the greatest job ever. Actually, I didn't yet realize that it was the greatest job ever. Oh, and I still drank a LOT. I think this was the time in my life I did thinks such as showing my boobs to receive beads at the Tiki Bar. Not to receive a free drink or anything. Beads. No song for this year.

The 25th Year (03-04)

Ah. A quarter of a century old. I started out this year with a really nice birthday party at Gabe's (ahem, our) house in Hazleton. I didn't live there yet but was slowly starting to integrate myself into the little split level house...and rub out some of Gabe's housekeeping habits. Not very subtle, I suppose, but I think anyone who knows Gabe will admit that he was...less than hygenic pre-Lindsay. We had co-habitated before, of course, but my standards had grown since then. I was still living in my Spring City apartment, still hanging out with "the girls"...but something was happening. They were all starting to reproduce! First Lisa, then Jen, Brooke, Jonette...heck even Beckey got knocked up that year. It was a little daunting, and a lot of change in my social life. My drinking partners were knocked up, and I wasn't even married yet. Was it time to start thinking about moving? The thing was, as much as I wanted to be with Gabe full-time and start moving forward with our life, I knew that once I did it would be the end of an era. I can't think of a song for this year either.

The 26th Year (04-05)

This was a monumental year for me. They say somewhere (and I have no idea who "they" is) that the 4 most stressful life events are getting a new job, getting married, having a baby, and moving. And I crammed 3 of them into 1 year. Gabe proposed in December, and in March I made a move I'd been both anticipating whole-heartedly, and dreading: I moved to Hazleton. This move encompassed so much--leaving my job and the people who'd become something of a pseudo-family to me, leaving my friends, and leaving an area I truely loved and would have been very content to stay in for the rest of my life. To go to Hazleton. A town where the only person I knew besides my fiance was my mother-in-law. And so the move was filled with a lot of bittersweetness, but this time also was one of celebration and excitement...I was planning a wedding!! Gabe and I were getting married, we were moving onto a new stage of life. I was also interviewing for a new job, though I sort of took a 7 month hiatus from working. Planning the wedding--though highly stressful for several reasons that need not be rehashed here--was really one of the most fun times I have ever experienced. I LOVED planning the wedding, being the center of attention, being a "bride", calling Gabe my fiance, having a home (even if it was somewhere I was less than over the moon about.) My song? "Wonderful Tonight".

The 27th Year (05-06)

On August 27th, 1 month and 1 day after my birthday, Gabe and I were married in THE best wedding ever. Yeah, yeah I know it was ours but it turned out absolutley perfect and exactly the way we wanted it. We had a whole weekend at the resort where we were married with 27 other people who spent the weekend with us...and I can honestly say that the feeling of having ALL of the people I loved the most in the whole world in the SAME place, for me and Gabe was truely a wonderful experience, definitely the best of my life so far up until this point. There was some serious wedding let-down afterwards, but we trucked on with a fun year of taking trips, a new car for me (my first "new" car ever, yay!) and the best vacation ever--our trip to Montana with Sarah to visit Natalie. So far the best trip I have ever taken, and definitly one of the best weeks of my life. The only song that strikes me for this year is "Rental Car, Rental Car!" and only two people on earth will know what that means.

The 28th Year (06-07)

Beginning in the middle of a summer of fun, weddings, roadtrips and more, Gabe and I slid into the mindset of "hmm, maybe time to start thinking about having a baby." We also quite unexpectedly stumbled upon and managed to buy our dream home. I know what you're thinking--who buys their dream home at the age of 28? All I can say is when fate stares you in the face and commands your gut to do something...well, you just bite the bullet and do it. And so we purchased our new home, moved in, had our regular "Fall Frolic" party a month later, and by November received some exciting and scary news...there was a baby on the way! How to explain this year? Such a whirlwind of change, emotion, stress, intensity. Its safe to say I didn't really enjoy my pregnancy--though I very much wanted to, and I was so excited to be pregnant. I just didn't like getting fat. Or acting like a raging lunatic all the time. Or having sciatica. Or feeling as though my ass exploded after delivering a baby. BUT...it was all worth it times 1000 million and more. G3 arrived with just 19 days left in my 28th year and completely changed our world. He was and is just perfect, just lovely and wonderful and reminds you of all that is right in the world. He has improved our lives 110%. He is the single best thing that has ever happened to me. I know people say that when you have a 2nd child you love them just the same but I just can't imagine how. Perhaps some day I'll know. But to sum it up, banner year. There is a song by Five for Fighting that I was obsessed with when I was pregnant, and hearing it takes me right back to driving to and from work in the winter, halfway pregnant and no clue what was to come, but it made me cry every time. "I Just Love You".

The 29th Year (07-08)

And finally. The 29th year, my last in this decade, dwindles down to just 5 days left. My friend Pat had a myspace headline during his 29th year that was something like "the countdown begins". It sort of had a finalistic (is that a word??) feel to it, and I can honestly say I have not had any feelings of "Whoa this is my last year as a twenty-something! Crap!" Possibly in part due to the fact that when the year started, I was something of a mess. I had a 19 day old baby who was not gaining weight. I had to quit breastfeeding on my birthday, and had a miserable dinner out (mainly because Gabe was sooo nervous about taking G3 out in public that he was raining on my parade, but mostly because I was devestated and felt like a failure for quitting breastfeeding just hours before. Oh and I was REALLY fat. Like, 175 pounds fat. Yeah, not a good day.) But anyhow, the year unfolded, G3 grew, I shrunk (thank god) Gabe and I had some hard times and some freaking wonderful times. Being a mom is hard. Its easy and its hard. There are so many emotions that become a part of you, sort of like another limb. Intense love. Fear--all the time, of something happening, of failing your child, of teaching him the wrong things. Exhaustion, if that can be called an emotion--many new levels of it. Sadness--babies just grow SO fast and every stage is fleeting. Crappy self-image. Uncertainty. Joy. Pride. I found that taking care of a baby was easy for me (and yes, I know I had an "easy" baby) but being a mom is hard. Being parents is hard. Having a good marriage and being good parents at the same time is hard. Being at home all the time with my son is extremely rewarding--but its also isolating at times. The changes in my body and the knowledge that no matter how much I work out I may never get to where I want is difficult to accept. Not having my baby with me is an odd state to be in, one that makes me uncomforable, even at the same time I'm enjoying myself. Pretty funny considering for the previous 28 years he didn't even exist. Oh, and my song for this year. Please don't laugh. "The Alphabet Song". Hey, it's G3's favorite.

So there you have the culmination of the last 10 years of my life. My identity right now is a mom--but I do still hold the pieces of 20-something Lindsay pretty tightly. When I think of myself at 20 I wish I could go back in time and slap myself across the face and say "Stop being so melodramatic! Everything will turn out okay!" I like how the lessons I've learned from other people--my friends, my co-workers, my family, and Gabe--have shaped me. I like the person that I am--though I struggle with certain personality flaws like we all do, I like to think as I get older I get better at reacting to life.

I still like to go out and have a good time, and I definitly like to drink, although my tolerance hit its peak at about 27 and started sliding slowly downward thereafter. My music tastes have always been and probably still remain horrendous. Case in point--two days ago my friend Crystal sent me a text excitedly informing me that "Air Supply is playing at SU in October!" I have gone from apartment- and roommate-hopping to owning a home, with a husband, a child, a dog and a cat. I have the luxury of being a stay-at-home mom (actually, its really my only option, seeing as I have no childcare and my job here paid nothing, but I'm not complaining.) I have come to accept Hazleton as where I live...its never going to be my ideal place to live and raise a family--but our home is, and that's what is most important.

I have thoroughly enjoyed my twenties, and I wouldn't change a thing. Here's to life as a thirty-something!