Sadness

I'm uncertain how to write a post like this, or even what to title it. I initially wasn't going to write anything, because its not my pain to speak of...but then I thought about it and realized as a mom it is my pain to speak.

I've mentioned my mommy board a few times: in a nutshell a group of women I met online through a forum where we all were pregnant and had babies in July of '07. Basically...they are my best friends in many ways. I have had the wonderful pleasure of meeting two of them, we talk daily, and there is very little that we don't know about each other. I've watched their "July Jewel" babies grow along with my own. We share heartache, happieness, milestones and everything in between.

On Tuesday I learned that one of the mom's lost her baby. He died. She is a young mom who does not post anymore but we've kept in contact via Facebook and she is still "one of us". She divorced her husband and had their older child with her; he had the son, Preston. Preston passed away on Tuesday morning--initially the story was that his father found him lifeless in the morning--he had gotten caught between the mattress and the safety railing of his bed. 48 hours later an autopsy showed that baby Preston, only 2.5 years old, died of "multiple blunt trauma" to his head. His father was arrested for capital murder. This is the article.

I am sick to my stomach over this. My heart aches for my friend: though I've never met her in person and we aren't specifically close there was a time when I spoke to her daily. I cannot imagine her pain. I can't imagine the guilt she must feel...even though his death was not at her hands she must feel guilt. I keep thinking of their other child...her brother is dead and her dad is going to prison for the rest of his life for killing him. I think about how young the mother is--maybe 25.

Mostly I just keep thinking of poor Preston. Why was no one looking out for him? How could no one have noticed signs? Was this a one time thing (unlikely given what I have heard, but possible) or did he suffer repeatedly for the last year or so that he was in his father's custody? How did no one see or suspect? And--part of me is ashamed to think this--how did this baby's mother leave him? How did she not know?? How did she make peace with that decision? Its not my story to tell but to say that this came out of left field is incorrect. Was she scared? Did she feel she had no choice?? Again, I don't want to judge because I feel that she will spend the rest of her life being judged...and its not fair. But I feel so much anger for this poor baby--how could she leave him, how could his father hurt him?? Parents are supposed to care for and protect their children from harm, not abandon and deliver harm. I think of the little bit I knew of Preston's personality from his mother's postings and photographs. He was a baby. A BABY. My heart seriously, seriously aches. I cannot imagine any situation in which I would ever leave G3.

That being said...this happens everyday to kids and babies. Its one of those things that I don't read about or watch on the news because I can't really handle thinking about it. I have spent the last 3 days preoccupied with thoughts of Preston...first the sadness, the shock that he died, the questions of "How does a 2 year old get stuck under the mattress?" "Why didn't he cry out?" to the eventual realization that he probably suffered something much more horrible than death alone.

If this is pulling at me this way, bringing me to tears and making me feel the meaning of "gut wrenching" then I can only imagine how Danielle feels. My heart goes out to her, and though I am not the praying type, I am praying for her. And holding my own baby a little closer, thinking of the things that are a given in his life--love, safety, protection from harm--and feeling the weight of the world that this is not so for every child.

God Bless Preston Michael.