Insomnia

You may be wondering if you see the time stamp, "What kind of idiot writes in their stupid blog at 4:22am?" The answer is someone who has tried every known method of falling asleep in the last 2 hours and 22 minutes and has gotten nowhere and is now sitting on a couch, watching an infomercial for Proactive, with a churning stomach from the anxiety of no sleep and about to burst into tears.

I am SO TIRED. I have a splitting headache, my eyes are burning, my stomach hurts. I would not wish this on anyone.

This happens to me quite often, but it usually comes in waves, as in months will go by without a problem and suddenly I find myself unable to sleep 3 times in one week. For anyone who knows me, I am a person who DOES NOT do well on little sleep. As in, I really can't function mentally or enjoy myself. I know other people can get a crappy night sleep and just pony up and go about the day--not me.

So here I am on my parents couch. Let me preface by saying I have been looking forward to the weekend immensely. Great weather, ponding, hanging out with Kellie and Shawn and my parents. Tonight I actually made a conscious decision to have just 2 drinks and head to bed at 11 lest I get a shitty night of sleep or a hangover from staying up and partying too late. WHY DID I FREAKING BOTHER??? A couple more cranberry and vodkas and I garuntee you I would be sleeping like a log right now.

So I went to sleep at 12 and was awakened at 2 by none other than Gabe. As usual, he is able to fall back asleep in MINUTES and now here I am with just 2 hours of sleep and the last hour and a half of agony under my belt. First I toss and turn. I count backwards. I try to clear my mind. I breathe deep. I try hypnosis. I try to think of light and happy and relaxing things. None of this works. I switch from one side to the other. My stomach starts churning and I start to panic. I decide at 3 to move to the couch and watch tv...this always seems to put me to sleep each night anyhow. No luck. "Becker" is clearly not challenging enough to tire out my mind, but I am feeling...heavier...so at 4 I switch off the tv and try again. Its working, I feel myself falling but each time I jolt awake...almost as if its a cruel joke. I find myself unable to shut off my mind and at this hour the smallest of worries seems life-threatening. My head starts to pound and I can feel my pulse racing with anxiety. I decide to go get some tylonel and find myself in tears when I realize its after 4 and even if I do manage to fall back asleep my day tomorrow is pretty much shot to hell.

So now here I am. Figured I might as well try to record this lovely experience. I am so tired and brain-dead (but clearly not enough so to be unconscious) that I'm sure this isn't my most eloquent or descriptive blog. I don't know how to describe the feeling of no sleep...my brain buzzing, wanting to scream and cry, wishing there was some magical switch I could just flip and I would get some relief. I am thinking of tomorrow (today) of all the things I wanted to do...get up and have coffee with my mom, go for a walk or run, a cookout, hang out with my son, and then a party at the pond with our friends. The chances of me being able to make it to that point in the day and not feel as though I want to die are slim to none.

Oh and if that wasn't bad enough, the proactive infomercial has now gone to one for hair generation and a decidedly unattractive white haired woman is raving about the product. Everyone in this house (5 adults, 1 baby, about 500 animals) is asleep except for me. I'm actually finding myself praying to something, anything to please, please, please, PLEASE let me be able to fall asleep after I turn this off and attempt once again.

I would not wish this on ANYONE.